Lonely...

Oy...

So, Camille went to North Eastern on Tuesday, and we went for a walk on Monday night, it was our last walk. Well... today i feel abnormally ostracized from all society. I feel like all my friends are gone. And i feel like i've done it to myself! Some of them aren't my fault, like Sally, John, Trevor, Zach, but others are. Steve, Nick, Chris, James, Nattalia. Oy... even my family is ostracizing me! I don't have any workout buddies, and i can't go running since i went yesterday, plus i'm broke, and in debt, and paying for school, and trying to coordinate carpool for the September NWTA, and i'm just overwhelmed, and lonely, and sad.

I just don't even know what i'm going to do...

Just thought i'd share.

Ryan

My Mission in... Life? (Kind of ironic in light of my Ty Mansfield post)

Why hello! I went to PIT today! It was really nice, because despite me being grounded from the car, my mom let me drive to PIT. I did work regarding intuition, and stories i told myself. Well, i'm not going to launch into a long thing about that, but a thought occured to me as i was recieving feedback about my intuition affecting others. And it occured to me, thatmy dear friend,(let's refer to him as) SJ, is INCREDIBLY talented with intuition, and is an incredible Shadow/Golden Magician! Now, being an excellent Shadow/Golden Magician, is NOT a bad thing! It IS a gift! And should be valued as such.

Well, as i was driving home, i felt like i should call my friend SJ! Well, SJ and i don't really talk much anymore. Not because i don't like him, or because we had any arguments, but we both felt like it would be best if things go the way they are going. So, i ended up calling SJ, and telling him how i was feeling in regards to his INCREDIBLE gift. ...and that i hoped he was well. It all kind mushed together, but, i wanted him to know that he IS incredibly gifted, and that he WILL change many peoples lives. Which, is why i have such a firm convicion that Satan wishes to destroy him. (likewise myself, but i believe that he is more talented than I am.)

So, i was pondering that as i drove the half hour home from PIT, and it hit me like a sack of bricks, that my mission, is to inspire people who deal with, and who don't deal with, same sex attraction. I don't like boys anymore. I used to be head over heals in love with one, but now he and i are friends. I really find men to be... un sexy, and kinda gross now. And women, they are more myserious, and confusing, but appealing at the same time! Anyhoo! So, i was reminded of a fireside that i attended where Ty Mansfield spoke, and, i feel that he shared it, and was inspired to do so, so i will respect that, and paraphrase the message he shared with us to respect my integrity, and the sacredness of his experience. In essence, Ty shared that he was given specific things to help him with his *unique* mission in this life. Likewise, i related that my dealings with Same Sex Attraction were to help me in many ways, but i feel strongly that i need to write a book, (ironic, i know because of how i used to feel about Ty, but don't judge me! I respect him ALOT!) for men, boys, people of all shapes and sizes, to share the message that you don't have to die a homosexual, and help IS possible.

While i was talking to SJ, he shared that his intuition showed him an LDS man who was dealing with Same Sex Attraction, and he and a mutual friend of ours shared a "passalong card" for North Star. Now, i don't know if that will bear any fruits or not, but i have a feeling that he just helped a very desperate man. So, then it hit me that, not everyone's missions are the same. While my mission might to be a homosexual, and transition away from that, perhaps SJ's mission is to stay "in the club" and help along other men. (now, i am a BIG advocate that men should try, because it is my belief that almost EVERYONE has a window of opportunity to change, but time and experience can close that window, and that young people shouldn't settle, i've heard ALL TOO OFTEN, "i think i'll just be single, lds, and gay, like Ty Mansfield." When they are 18 or 19, and HAVE the opportunites. But, here is my rationale for feeling the way i do about peoples missions. And how i can say that someone's mission might be to "stay 'in the club.'" I DO NOT believe in "destiny," and that we are all destined to do something, but my feelings are that, when we are born, we carry over many things from the pre-earth life, and because of those things we carry over we will have many opportunities in earth. Many destinations. But, as we travel the path of life, we make turns, and pass exits, and stops, that focus our destination. I might be able to have 10 different endings, because of my gifts, and likes, and dis-likes, and experiences. However, i might pass the exit to being a doctor because i didn't get good enough grades for med school, so without alot of back tracking, and collegic GPA raising, that path is out the window. So, now, i say, i get into a gang. Five years later, i end up leaving that gang. So, now i might have a criminal record, with throw out FBI, and a few other options. But now i have a personal investment in gangs. So i might end up working with troubled, or at risk youth! A long story, i know, but it makes my point. I think that because of the things that have happened, my mission in life is now to help men with SSA, or similar problems. While others have a different mission!

SO! If you've made it this far, give yourself a pat on the back! ;) You earned it! I am a LONG winded typer! ;)

Ryan :D

P.S. In Elder Scott's book, Finding Peace, Happiness, & Joy, Elder Scott remarks about following promptings of the spirit. I followed the spirit in PIT, and worked on my Intuition, followed the spirit in calling SJ, and i ended up with this! Another example of my journey/mission. The choices i made led me to an outcome. It wasn't decided before PIT. :D But it certainly was an option before PIT! :D

Long time no post!

Well my fans and fannies! ;)

Kidding, i know nobody reads this thing! ;) ...except apparently Ty Mansfield! ;) Well, i just wanted to through a happy update out there! :D I got accepted to staff a New Warrior Training Adventure weekend! I am thoroughly pumped!!!!!

I got to talk to a dear friend of mine today, and i am loving it!

Ugh... i'm scared for being the leader in PIT this Wednesday! But PIT almost always ends well! And, i need to get in touch with Brant! OY!

Well, i'm checking out with joy, and sadness. But i hope you all have an amazing day/night! And... Enjoy the new layout!

Ryan :D

P.S. I will be posting more, and my posts will be more spiritual! :D

Retraction!... to the Ty Mansfield post

Ok... So... Here i am to eat crow.

And i take responsibility for what i posted. I posted some terrible, slanderous things about Ty Mansfield that were not only untrue, but unjustified, mean, and written in not a good spirit. I am actually grateful for what happened. Ty read my blog post, (how he found it? The world may never know... BUT i'm glad/sad he did.) and... i wrote many things that were meant just to get some stuff off of my chest. Like... ya know that Oprah episode where she tells you to write an angry letter, but then don't send it? Well... i wrote an angry response, AND blog post, and sent them both! UGH... Fortunately for me, Ty is MUCH more mature than i am!

I take accountability for my actions, they were my own. I broke confidentiality, and thereby threatened the safety of groups which affects more than just myself. I put negative slanderous things in the public eye, about a person who not only did not deserve it, but did nothing against me.

I just wanted to let everyone, and anyone who may have read my words know, that Ty Mansfield isn't a demon, nor does he have horns, nor is he a (this really hurts to say because i've told myself this lie so much) not a bad example. SIGH... i feel much better!

I hope my audience, (which apparently is much bigger than i expected!) will forgive me, and try to understand that though i may have written those slanderous things, it does not reflect my true feelings for Ty Mansfield.

I know this won't repair any wounds i may have caused. I was a Jerk. Amen.

The reason why i should do it anyway

"People are often
unreasonable and self-
centered.
Forgive them anyway.

"If you are kind,
people may accuse you
of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

"If you find happiness,
people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

"The good you do today
may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

"Give the world your best
and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

"For you see, in the end,
It is between you and God.
It was never between
you and them anyway."

---Mother Teresa


This was something shared in Elder's Quorum today in church. And, i started getting really emotional when she says "the good [we] do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do it anyway." Because i used to think that it was pointless sometimes! Then I read the second to last stanza, and i just started crying! Not ugly crying mind you. It was just a few tears rolling down my cheek. And to end it the way she did! I absolutely loved it! :D I hope you do to!

Sad Story

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/



I read the one that says,

"We might never again
be as close
as we used to
be...

"But i just wanted
you to know
that you saved
my life."


And i about lost it! Anyone who knows me, and what's been going on the past... say... 10 weeks, you know what this means. After the last 7 weeks, i probably won't be as close with any of my friends as i used to be. But, I love you all, and, whether in a big way, or small way, you truly HAVE saved my life. (Maybe i wasn't on the verge of suicide, but you kept me away from that edge.)

I love you.

Ryan

Love save me.

So, i was thinking about some quotes from the memorable movie, "He's just not that into you," which, by the way, was HILARIOUS! Except one scene, all of you who have seen it, know which one i'm talking about, it was just... sad/awkward to watch. So anyhoo, i ended up looking up the soundtrack! And i saw this song that i LOVE listening to on Vh1 when i'm working! It's "Love Save the Empty" by Erin McCarly. And i LOVE IT!


And, while reading the lyrics, and listening to the song, i was thinking about some things i learned a few weeks ago. I'll share the lyrics that struck me most.

"Little girls don't know how to be sweet girls.
Mama didn't teach me.
Little boys don't know how to treat little girls.
Daddy didn't show me.

...


"Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.

"Sad boy, you stare up at the sky
When no one's looking back at you.
You wear your every last disguise;
You're flying, then you fall through.

"...

"They tell us why we're fighting.

"...love save me."

Oi vey... i'm posting alot today!